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| Even tho I rarely frequent xanga anymore, I still get updates from the very few people who still post blogs here. It wasn't until this morning tho that I realized how valuble some of the postings are to someone like me. People like Baliad and Little_Sister, people I NEVER speak to and even rarely see now that I'm living here in california, have managed to spark something inside this soul that hasn't been awoken in quite some time. I'll be frank people, I'm not myself. This whole moving out to california experience isn't all that I would have hoped it to be. I'm learning so much about the world, and the people around me. I'm learning nasty lessons, of how people are decieving, and how hurtful actions can truely affect a person, namely myself. I had different expectations from my move out here. I was hoping to find myself, but it turns out I lost myself in the process. I lost touch with God. I lost focus. I failed to see the bigger picture, that family is number one, and God is ALWAY working. God is really doing a job on me right now, and I finally recongnized it. It took so long for me to see. I had to let go of so many things. This is the time in my life...where surrender is necessary. It's not easy, and i'm still having a hard time with it, but I know it's essential, in order for me to survive, in order for my soul to survive. So I'm asking thoes of you, who have done me the favor of sharing His grace with the xanga world, to please pray for me. I'm humbly asking for your prayers. Hopefully with your prayers, and perserverance, I can find my way home, back to Him. Thanks. | | |
| Last night i was up until 9am this morning packing up boxes which i'm going to ship to san diego through amtrak. It was so weird packing up my room, trying to decide what I should bring, what I should leave behind. Being the sentimental person I am, it was rough letting go of items with such value. However with all this change that's going on in my life, i found it rather dissapointing that I was unable to separate with 8 boxes full of belongings!! This isn't the first time I've moved away from the house I call home, but last time, home was only a 2 hour drive away. I packed most of the major stuff I wanted to bring, shoes, coats, bags, scrubs, some books, DVD, VCR, printer. But then I look around my room, and there's still more that I want to take with me!! Why is letting go of materialistic things so hard to do sometimes? When it comes down to it, I really dont need these things to get by. I just hope I dont get a major case of homesickness once I get out there. I'm hoping that sunny and 70 weather will take care of all that! The toughest part of packing wasn't weighing all the boxes and making sure they were under 50lbs. It wasn't sorting through items and deciding what to keep and what to leave behind. the toughest part was probably sorting through 5 boxes of pictures and deciding which ones I wanted to keep, which i threw into one box. ONE BOX!!! I'm trying real hard here to minimize, simplify, and let go.
With all that has happened, my main focus is just that, simplify and let go. I don't want to carry all the excess baggage from the past year with me into this new year. I have a feeling 07' will be much better than last year. I'll be candid, 06' sucked big time. 7 is God's number. It's a lucky number. I'm hoping that this year will be filled with many more blessings. That's why I'm leaving behind everything that I've become accustomed to. I figured, God rocked the boat in order for me to wake up and find out what's out there for me. So I'm starting off with a new job, new apartment, in a new city, with a new phone, new laptop, new camera, and soon to have a new car. It's not about getting materialistic things brand new. Because thoes are just belongings. It's about becoming a better person. It's about becoming brand new. Everytime I grow anxious because of all the change that's happening, I always think about that one scene in the passion of Christ, when Jesus fell in front of His mother while carrying his cross. Mama Mary ran to Him and only thing He said was, "See Mother. I make all this brand new". so there you have it. I was going along along in life, and I fell. But here I am, trying my best to get back up and to keep an eye out as to what His plan is for me. I know God never wastes the pain, so I'm allowing myself to be as open as possible to whatever He has in store for me. He knows my deepest desire, and right now that is to be bright and shiney.
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| Hey guys!
As many of you already know, living on the west coast has always been
my dream. Well come January 8th, that dream is going to become a
reality when I make my official move out of the only place I know as
home over to sunny California!!
I'm moving to San Diego where I'll be working in the surgical ICU at
UCSD Thornton. Many of my close friends already know that this plan was
in the making, so I thank you for all your support and well wishes=).
For my west coast posse all i gotta say is....GET READY! ha ha. And for
my friends back here in the D, I got 2 weeks left here so lets make the
most of it=). Kacy my bestest is throwing me a going away party on the
6th so hit me up for details since she's a nonmyspacer! I'd love to see
everyone before I head out.
Also, my family would also appreciate prayers and support as our dad
makes his way to the PI to hopefully have a successful kidney
transplant. With all this and my sister getting married in 07', there's
alot on our plate! =) all good things tho.
I'll miss everyone and everything about home, but I'm for sure excited
to see what life has in store for me. =) Have a happy holiday everyone!
Take care and God Bless!
-JenN | | |
| In between dreaming and reality I walked a tight rope through the realm of limbo. I look to the left and right unbeknown to me that there is no one by my side. As I look to the skies for guidance I realize that this tight rope stretched behind me for miles and miles. Blinded by the false security and chaos of the world, limbo kept me in the dark to what the plan has been all along. I continue forward, sad, confused, and alone. Once again I look to the skies begging for the answer that will help ease the pain. The voice of reason speaks to the heart. “There is one of two things you can do. You can continue to walk on this rope through the world you have created for yourself. Or you can fall and trust in the life that I have planned for you”. Still I walked the tight rope, wondering if the voice of reason was a fabrication in my own mind. The heart had hopes which were not in the plans. How can one understand what is the master plan? Since when do my desires take precedence over what is already written in the stars? Remembering the times when life was right, I recall my companion who was with me through it all. My friend showed me love when I was unworthy of being loved. This friend has been by my side through the darkness, even when I couldn’t see Him. He is hurting along side with me, but like a Father, He will not protect me from the pain if it means that I will learn the lesson of His love. I decided to fall, knowing full well that the plan will slowly be revealed once the heart is left open. Choosing to fall may leave one vulnerable to the ambiguity of what is to come, but faith is the driving force in this journey. The journey continues on, no longer in limbo. This journey brings life and hope because I am no longer walking alone in the dark. One day He will bring me someone to walk this journey with me. Until then I am content walking along with my true friend, and the real love of my life. | | |
| Tho life likes to throw you curveballs (or dodge balls if you live in Detroit), we must still be appreciative of the things that we do have. Lately I've been faced with a challenge. A "life change" if you will presented itself to me and I'll admit, I am being quite resistant to it's presence in my life. It has forced me to look outside myself and the people and things I have become accustomed to. It has caused me to doubt, question, cry, and cry and cry. But I won't allow it to consume me. This time, I won't resort to the old ways I dealt with disappointment and uncertainty. The thing that's different this time is that I have a stronger faith. I'm trying to no longer be so naive to life. I'm learning that not all things in life are guaranteed. I'm learning how to not hold on too tight to anything of this world, because it can always be taken away in an instant. I've been forced to remember that He is the only thing constant and certain in my life, and He will never forsake me. In some sick and twisted way, I actually appreciate having my gutts wrenched, insides ripped out, heart skewed and hope shattered...because I know that He's only breaking me down to build me back stronger, into that perfect soilder of Christ that I so want to be. Every now and then God will allow the boat to be rocked but it will not sink and it will sail on, so long as He is riding in it with me. | | |
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